A Beautiful Mess

This is purely a work of fiction.

__________________________

I am not the most optimistic person you will come across. No. I don't expect the best. You'll ask why I'm so cynical. I'll answer this question today. I'll answer everyone who complains of my being a pessimist.Once upon a time, there was a happy-go-lucky girl inside me. With no fears, doubts. Only hopes and aspirations. She was an idealist. She believed everything happened for the best. She loved colors.They made her feel alive. She loved the rainbow and would get excited at the sight of one. She said some stuff she shouldn't have sometimes, but that's okay, because she loved herself. She clumsily applied nailpaint. She loved cupcakes, and the icing on them. She thought everything and everyone was perfect. She was extraordinary. She loved. Immensely. Passionately. Truly. Deeply.

But not very long ago, her trust, faith was ripped apart. She came to know that everything has a bad side, and often, the bad takes over the good. The demons take over the angels. She was exposed to the ugly truth of life. And there she was, with her existence significant to no one but herself, sitting with her legs hugging her chest, with a river of tears flowing from her heavily kohled eyes, sniffing, puffy red swollen eyes..she just sat there. Silent and calm. There were so many question she wanted answers to. So many untold stories she wanted to hear. She wanted to know...so much. Some things are better left unsaid. She told herself. But the other part of her wanted to know. Every single detail. Every single moment. Every single truth. She lost control. She lost faith. She lost hope. She stopped loving. She stopped caring. She stopped..living. She was no more than a dead body.

Materialistic things stopped bothering her. As a matter of fact, nothing bothered her. Her existence was as good as nil. Each day went by..nothing changed. No one cared. She still sat in her dark room. With only one window which let some light peep through. Her legs hugging her chest. with a river of tears flowing from her heavily kohled eyes, sniffing, puffy red swollen eyes..she just sat there. She is the most fragile thing you've ever seen. It's like she would break any moment. Only with a touch. She looks beautiful.

She always prayed to God for a savoir. The one who would break all the chains, all the barriers and would set her free.The one who would make her feel beautiful. The one who would love her and embrace her with her flaws and imperfections. The one wouldn't promise her a miracle, but who will always be trying, for trying is what is important. But disappointed she was. She lost faith in God. She turned to Atheism. She thought if there was any God at all, He wouldn't let her go through so much pain and agony and misery. He would comfort her when she needed him to. He would give her strength and courage to face life. He would correct everything. He would...be there fixing her problems.

But most of all,

He would've have let her become the girl the originally was.

Beautiful Chaos.

The beautiful chaos of life has turned ugly,

My existence now is not free.

My heart doesn't feel, nor does my soul express,

My mind is in distress.

I am so caught up in life, I have forgotten to live,

Love I have forgotten to give.

My existence is no more than a hollow form of life,

Nothing now hurts, even what once hurt like a knife.

You can stab my wounds till blood spurts,

But I swear it wouldn't hurt.

You can say the most spiteful words,

But I promise they will go unheard.

Whatever you do, I'm going to be immune to it,

For now I have a lot of grit.

But the desires I had as a child are still alive.

I want to smile a little before I cry,

I don't ever want to give up before I try.

I want to say the truths before I lie,

I want to live a little; love a little before I die...

Deception.

She had always been loved, but never pampered.

Her needs were fulfilled, but not all her wishes had been heard.

She never demanded, or never complained;

Never hungry for fame.

She was satisfied with the life she led, a happy being she was,

Trouble to anyone she would never cause

She was every man’s dream,

But she was never hungry for all the cream

She had something in her which made her unique,

Her emotions she would never let leak.

She had a fire in herself which would make everything possible for her,

She never let herself break; she held each pure part of her together.

Never sabotaged, always chaste – that describes her best.

They say love knocks on your door when you expect it the least, and it was true for her,

She had fallen head over heels for Him, when he was around she would just look at him, rest of the world would get blur

She never thought he would feel the same,

Feelings of sadness gripped her mind, feelings of anxiety came

Every single night, she cried until her tears dried

He had taken her emotions for a ride,

And the best part was- he didn’t even know

He never knew about the emotions that in her mind would flow.

But secretly, he loved her more than anything he could possibly love

She to herself was an ugly duckling, but to him she was the prettiest dove.

She didn’t have the perfect face,

Or even the tiniest waist.

But he was never interested in materialistic things; inner beauty was important to him

In that she was certainly proper and prim.

One fine day he asked if she would marry him, she was mum.

She had never been a Princess to anyone,

But if it was for him, she was ready to make an exception.

For she knew, there would be no chance of deception.

A Mother She Wasn't

I see a faint shadow in the hallway

As I look closer, I see my mother sway.

With flawless skin and perfect hair, I see her looking at me,

She has a crazy look in her eyes as she continues staring at me.

Looking at her gleaming eyes, I’m awe struck.

I forget all she did to me, how she screwed up my fate and luck.

When I was tiny and fragile, she left me crying,

Slowly I was dying.

What she did to me no mother ever would,

What she did to me no mother ever could.

She walks towards me and I hear the familiar footsteps,

All what she did to me is slowly coming back, how she wasn’t there when I first smiled, how she wasn’t there to wipe the tears I wept.

How she wasn’t there when I needed her the most,

How I never had a mother about whom I could boast.

Without any reason, she left, and I hoped and prayed and wished she would come back,

But…she didn’t, because maybe feelings of love she lacked.

All my life I spent cursing and hating her;

Wishing her to be near.

She had chosen a different path, after all

From the edge where she put me, she had let me fall.

When I finally met the mother who made my life hell, I froze with fear

Whatever excuses she made for leaving I forced myself not to hear.

I couldn’t speak, hear or sense,

All my life, I had seen her from behind a blurry lens.

I couldn’t believe she was no supernatural power, but actually a mortal being,

I couldn’t believe with my own two eyes I was seeing.

But what she did to me was beyond the pale

She turned her back on my and pretended not to hear me wail

So, I do the same,

And let her rot with shame.

I force myself to forget the bond we shared, to forget the mother daughter we ever were,

..And I close my eyes as tight as they can go, I let the tears drip and I walk out on her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, this is my 40th post. Cheers to me! :D

Seems like yesterday when I started this blog. Time flieeeees.

Time et all.

Okay so I fought with two of my closest friends in the past week, and I felt MISERABLE. I mean, why did I have to say such nasty stuff? WHY?

Why can't I just be polite all the time?

Why am I so stuck up?

Why am I so stubborn?

Why don't I listen and just blabber?

My mum always complained of me being stubborn. That is something I want to change about me. Yes, I have said I was proud of whoever I was, but change is necessary, right? Change for the good, obviously. I need to change for the people around me.My family, my friends and all those who matter. Moreover, I HAVE TO CHANGE FOR ME.

I have to become a better person, if not for anyone else, for me. I have to let go all of the anger and sadness and embrace the good stuff..and I'm getting to it..slowly, but yes, I am.

People who are close to me are aware of me being argumentative and stubborn sometimes and when I throw such a fit, they know just what to do - leave me alone.

I need time to think. To talk- to myself. To analyse things. To stop thinking about 947509576973937 things per second. To understand the problem, and find solutions. I just need...time and some more time.

...Some more time to take out for LIFE.

Back to where it all began..

11th of September, 2001.

It changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people forever. Within a minute, thousands of lives were lost and their families were devastated.

How can there be so much hatred in people that they go on with this massacre? How?

What a world we live in :/ There is no value for life, right?

The wounds of those times are still fresh, aren't they?I don't think they will never heal..

Prayers for those who lost their lives in the tragedy of 9/11, and courage to their families. <3

Rest in peace.

"Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and the ash, the last phone call..."

George W. Bush

Different? ...or special?

This poem has been written as a girl who is deaf, dumb and blind. She has been left by her parents into a Foster Care home. So, here goes the insight to a hazy mind…

I don’t have the power to see, hear or speak

By everyone around me, I’m regarded as weak,

But the strength that lies inside me is more than any mortal being,

I am dreaming, hoping and believing even though I’m not seeing.

Abandoned by my parents; no one I call my own,

There is no one to groan to, no one to moan.

Everyone says I’m a perfect little girl, with chubby cheeks and pink lips,

But from my eyes thick salty tears drip.

They called me different, but am I at fault?

Thinking about it, sometimes my whole life would come to a halt.

Love I had never known;

I was far from being a whole, in pieces I was torn.

There were so many questions, but there were answers to none

Looking for them was of no fun.

So many untold stories, so many undone things, so many unsolved mysteries,

I didn’t know myself, my past was history.

Memories from my childhood were faded,

To even think about it I hate.

I cry every night to myself silently,

And fight battles in the silent chambers of my soul violently.

Now is the time when I just want to give in,

Life has sucked my happiness and there’s no way I can win.

I can’t fight anymore,

What I want from life, I’m not sure.

There are so many questions that haunt me,

Will I ever be taken care of? Will I ever be free?

Will I ever know happiness or misery is all over my fate?

Will I ever know joy or is it only hate?

Will there ever be a time when people will stop being so indifferent?

…Or will I always be regarded as different?

Love lost.

I close my eyes, and the memories flash back as an old movie. The exhibition, the breaks, the cries, the oneness, the love the smiles, the laughter, making fun of weird kids, the periods we bunked, and the tests we never studied for. The classes we attended with full concentration, the tests in which we got straight A’s..and then snap..I’m back to reality.

I remember being told about how you had left us all on this very day last year. As I think about the good and happy times, a tear trickles down my cheek. That day, my world came crumbling down, in front of my eyes, one of the best friends I’ve ever had was taken away from me forever and ever. And trust me, that feeling is the worst, EVER.

People said “Don’t worry, it’s a part of life”, “You’ll get over it”. But guess what? One year. 365 whole days, and I still miss you like I missed you before. The pain is still the same and the wounds as fresh as ever. Time could not heal these wounds, and I don’t think they will ever get any better. That void will never be filled. Your presence will forever be missed. Your smile, your voice, your laughter… each and every bit of it. You weren’t just a friend, but a sister, a guide and a person to rely on. You will never be replaced. True thing.

But on the positive side, I know that somewhere you’re there for me, giving me strength to fight all the troubles life puts my way, all the obstacles I have to face. You’re there to share my joys and there to listen to me as I whine about my problems. I know what wherever you are, you do some kind of magic and my life falls back into place…but the puzzle of my life will never be complete without such an integral part missing.

I miss how you were such a positive person, full of life. Always smiling and making others smile. Always ready to lend a hand. It’s funny how God always takes away the best people and lets the worst live. This is something I have never been able to understand. I never will. Weird, isn't it?

As I think of all this, I close my eyes as tight as they can go... And another tear trickles down my cheek and reaches my neck, and I'm not bothered to wipe it. I'm too preoccupied thinking about the happy times.

Memories of you is all I am left with, but those happy times will be etched in my heart forever and after 10 years I can tell people about this great friend I had, I can tell my child about a really strong girl who fought so many odds in life…who had to go through the worst troubles in life but still lived life with a smile on her face… That friend is YOU. Yes, you. You might be gone but never forgotten…You’re an inspiration and I hope wherever you are, you’re happy.

I write this post with all my love, to you. Only you.

And I know you're with me ..forever

Rest in peace.

Ox