Day 70

Hello, blog.

I skipped one day but like most days, I was quite tired. But then I slept at 12, which was not great because I woke up feeling very, very ill. I still got on with my day. I am, however, feeling like crap right now. Most of it is panicking 24*7 and some part of it is physical. I can't wait to feel fresh and alive.

I'm also thinking of re-starting working out because it makes me feel so, so good. I just need to find some time and sort my life out, to be honest. I need to call Samarth, work out, speak to ~~ and be regular with a time table. AND SLEEP ON TIME.

The other day I was also thinking about a lot of girls in the West decide to not go to college and not get an education. It makes me feel that the whole movement that worked towards the right of women to be enrolled in schools, colleges and universities. It's almost as if people fail to recognise their privilege they are born with, or acquire. It's a really long debate, which we will save for another day but just know that it makes me quite sad.


I will now go, chill a little, study and then SLEEP ON TIME. 

Day 72

Hello, friends.

Today was a rather odd day. I spent most of it panicking and studying. Then my brother and sister came home from college AND GOT ME PRESENTS, which was quite thoughtful of them, to be honest. I miss them quite a lot and it's super nice to have them around.

We have a lot of exciting things to do this weekend, apart from studying and I'm looking forward to the change. I feel like I get sucked into the vacuum of being alone and it gets dark and scary. For most part of it, I'm fine but then it gets to a point where I just. feel. alone. all. the. time. I'm trying to make a conscious effort of talking more so let's see how that goes.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately. I read Mira Rajput's interview about how destructive feminism is getting and I honestly think she needs to get her read out of her arse and recognise her privilege and respect OTHER women's choices. My mom has 4 degrees and gave up her job to be married and take care of her 4 kids. I didn't realise it then, but it makes me quite upset that she had to do that. I loved having her around while I was growing up but it was extremely selfish of me as a little kid to want my mom to be there for me 24*7. I'm still quite conflicted about how I feel about this whole situation but I respect my mom's choices and the reasons she made them. I think I just believe in people making their choices for themselves- even if they're wrong in retrospect.

I have also been watching a lot of Youtube and not much TV because my brother is now here. I really wanted to watch Dexter but meh. I also didn't end up doing my full length test which made me feel eh but i didn't do it BECAUSE I was feeling eh. A bad score makes me even more eh. So I did 170 questions instead. It was fine.

Now I'm going to watch a little more YT, chat with Vasudha, whom I really enjoy speaking to, and then head off to bed.

See you tomorrow, folks. 

Day 73

Day 73

I’m super, super tired. My exam went quite well. I got home and spent most of my time watching YT and/or TV. Should have slept but didn’t. 

I also felt guilty for not studying, but it’s okay to take a break. IT’s okay. It’s okay. 

It’s all okay. It will get better soon. I won’t be guilty for taking a break. Yes. 

Bye. 

Day 74

Day 74

Hello, friends and foes. I haven’t logged into this blog since 2013. That’s 4 years. More like 40 in teenage years. But i’m taking class 12 board exams now, starting tomorrow and I really, really want to document the whirlwind of emotions I will feel over these couple of weeks. 74 days to be exact. I’m starting this journal entry backwards from Day 74 and will go on till Day 1. I will then see if I can (and want to) continue. I’m also choosing this blog and not my new one because nobody significant really reads this anymore. I can be inarticulate here and it won’t make a difference OKAY.

SO. A lot has happened since I last wrote here. I got a new blog on Wordpress because that’s what the Cool Kids were doing. I got a Twitter account, a Tumblr account and my blogging shifted to more of photo blogging and I stopped…writing as often. But I do like to believe that my writing has gotten better. I’ve been published in a few anthologies, some of my poems have been published, I’ve been a part of an online publication as their editor, and a print magazine. I was also invited to attend a Literature Festival in Udaipur, which was quite cool. (I didn’t go) But I haven’t been…consistent. And that’s true about most things.

I gave up playing tennis in 10th. I wrote a whole post about it. I quite miss it, actually. I want to start playing again after I’m done with 12th. Maybe not competitively initially, but recreationally for sure. 

Then I got into public speaking and MUNs, then debates and now I’m not into anything. Maybe it’s because I’m already juggling a lot of things but whatever. 

I also went to summer school. I became Head Girl. I quit as Director General of the MUN and hosted a TEDx event instead. It was quite fulfilling, actually. I’m still as driven and ambitious as ever and am trying to channelise my energy into different areas. 

I also got a new bunch of friends towards the end of 12th. A lot of them I knew but never though would be my friends. I also think I have a crush on one of them, but I don’t know for sure. It’s not something I want to pursue, no matter how much I’d like to. The timing is all wrong. Meh. Bummer. 

I also have a close knit group of friends now but I don’t think I relate to most of them now. That’s a scary thought but 3 of them are in love so I mean. I don’t know. They’re different. But I guess that’s just how I’ve always been. I can’t consistently like and love people. I have waves of love and admiration and apathy and disgust. These phases pass. Much like everything else. 

Anyway, tomorrow is my first board exam and I’m chilling and watching a little Dexter. I really, really, enjoy it. I used to watch it regularly back in 2010ish and have recently gotten back into it. Coming back to familiarity, eh. I also spoke to my friend Samarth, whom I love very much. He also sent me really amazing English notes. He’s really nice. I wish I saw more of him, though. He stays in Bombay and I’ve met him all of two times last year. 

I’m quite excited to start blogging again. It’s like daily vlogging, which is the New Cool Thing. I love watching daily vlogs but I find myself getting way too involved so I’d rather just stick to my own stuff. Ever since I gave up 90% of my social media, I started watching a lot of YouTube. I also got into makeup. I really enjoy it but don’t wear it as often. It’s fun, and it does good for my controlling self. Also, I have a lot of free time. 

The reason you will be seeing this on what is actually Day 73 is because I don;t remember the password to my Blogger account so I’m going to try and retrieve it after my exam. I just can’t be bothered anymore. If you’re still reading, I will see you tomorrow with more on my extremely unhealthy eating and a little more rambling. Buh-bye.