I'm going to spit out my feelings today. 

We've known each other for a year and a half today. 18 months. 18 long, long months. I have such mixed emotions about how this time has passed, there are bits and pieces I want to remember and tell my kids about, but there are times that I want to erase. I'm typing this and thinking about how pathetic this post is going to be, but I'm still going to post it because I want to get it all out tonight. 

I still can't believe how close we were last summer, and now? It's all so different, so very weird. Sure, we talk on and off, but it's not the same. What haunts me is, will it ever be? It keeps bothering me and prevents me from sleeping at night, i just stare into nothingness. It's almost like I'm the epitome of inadequacy. Will I ever be good enough for you? Iv'e spent too much time away from you that I've almost forgotten what I was fighting for. I'm reminded time and again, but I still forget. I'm so unsure of whether you're still in this with me, or not. Screw it, I'm not even sure if you were in it to begin with. Without knowing where I finished, I'm unsure of where to start from. 

I've always loved you. Haven't you known? How could you have not known? Didn't you feel it? I don't know how you missed it. You never made me happy, no. Talking to you never made me happy. But not talking to you made my insides ache. I was as if I didn't only want you, I needed you. I tried to cut off all contact with you, we didn't speak for almost 3 months, but we eventually started talking again. I guess it has something to do with destiny. I couldn't trade you for the mere element of happiness, I would be glad to be in misery and with you than being happy with someone else. It might sound like a cliche, but you and I, we both know it's true. 

Despite all my efforts, I still feel I'll never be good enough for you. The inadequacy is eating into my soul, bite by bite. Because, you're perfect. In every bloody sense of the word. So maybe, I'll never be fixed. Maybe I'll always need and love you. Maybe I'll always live in silence for the fear of saying something wrong. Maybe, the only lover I'll have will be the faint sounds of yesterday. Maybe, breathing will always be like punching a bag full of shards of glass. Maybe, I'm not made to be a lover, just a writer. Maybe, I'll always hope for you to return and ache whilst you do. Maybe, the only the ting I'll be sure of is that I can't live without you. Maybe, my eyes will always bleed the taste of your lips. Maybe, I'll always have shattered windshields for eyes...

Joys.

Let me think aloud today, let me speak the words I have always been afraid to say. Let me ponder over how beautiful we are together and so incomplete apart. Give me a chance to look back on all that we have been through, allow my lips to gently curl. Let a shiny layer of moisture trickle down my cheeks today. Please, just let me be free.

Let me feel every emotion, and experience every kind of pain you left me with. How you were everything I've ever wanted, and how you were exactly my type. You were perfect, in every bloody sense of the word. You liked theatre, poetry, art, books and my type of music. You were all the things I dreamt of having in my lover, you checked all the boxes. You were like the poetry I was afraid to share with the world, or the song I never wanted anyone to hear. You were mine to keep, and mine to cherish. Forever, forever and forever.

Your black fully rimmed specs fit perfectly on your face and your slightly curly hair was so soft, and I knew you loved it when I caressed it. Your eyes were big and brown with lashes probably longer than mine. It felt like they had universes trapped inside them. Your nose was so perfectly proportionate, it almost made me smile whenever I looked at your face. I loved how my fingers danced on your long slender neck when you kissed me with the softest lips I've ever kissed. How you kissed me so gently, yet so passionately, and then looked at me like I was the most beautiful being you'd ever seen. Then, you brushed away my hair from my eyes only to kiss me again. I felt a lot of emotions at that very moment, the most overpowering one being love. I felt love. Immense, immense love. And I never could recognise what else I felt.

Everything was overwhelming. In a good way, or not, I do not know, but it felt nice. It also felt strange, but nice, mostly. It felt serene, it felt pure. It was something I always wanted to remember, but somehow, it faded away. Slowly, slowly, you faded away.

So, today, let me remember how perfect we were and then help me forget.
Only to remember again. 

Dancing shadows.

 I don't remember how I got here. What led me here, or who, more appropriately. I'm back where I started, it feels like I'm running in circles, trying to escape everything, but failing miserably. The memories are coming back. Those memories dipped in gold, and of course, the ones dipped in black paint. I'm trying to pick up the bits and pieces I never want to forget, the tiny fragments of happiness, but the only ones I'm managing to pick up are those tiny pieces of misery. Everything feels like a faded polaroid. I don't want to live in my memories, but I can't help how I feel. Sometimes, everything comes back to me, but some days, I feel so confused, dazed, as if there isn't a purpose I'm fulfilling. It's like, you were home to me. but I don't recognise this street anymore. I'm constantly running away from my words, and running into yours. I'm trying to find you in the sunlight, despite knowing you'll always dwell in the shadows. I'm tying to comfort myself by saying we're under the same stars tonight, but it doesn't even mean anything anymore. I'm trying to write beautiful verses, lovely stories, but they just end up being unfinished poems and scribbled articles. I'm trying to be kissed by the sun, but I can never cheat on the night. I'm trying to tell myself you wouldn't have been lovely to come home to, but we all know that's not true. I'm trying to hate what I've always loved. I'm trying to find a new definition for marbles, because 'trapped universes' reminds me of you. I'm trying to take back my soul from you, but you've locked it away somewhere so safe. I'm trying to paint a portrait, a portrait of all that overwhelms me so greatly, I'm shouting colours. I'm spitting paint. I'm trying, I'm failing. I'm trying, but my mind is a collection of hastily made euphoric decisions and constant give ups. I'm trying, but I'm too afraid I'll fail. I'm trying, but it feels like I'm using bits and pieces of others' personalities to form my own. I'm craving success, but I'm facing failure. I'm facing pain.

There is, however, this thing about pain, it demands to be felt. Without it, you don't feel alive. Or maybe, pain is just a hard way of knowing you're alive. Pain reminds you that even though you tried so hard, you failed at replacing your heart with an icebox. 

Happiness and little joys.

That girl. That girl who was so afraid of relationships, commitment, allowing someone to love her unconditionally. She, who feared being in love only because of the power it gave the other person over her. To make her, love her; break her. She, who thought she was happy in her own little bubble. She, who thought tennis and fashion were the only things that mattered. That little girl who never sought comfort in anybody but her own self. She, who counted her blessings. She, who thought the power of silence was much greater than the power of speech. She, who was content, if not anything else. She, who stopped expecting anything from people only because she knew it would lead to disappointment. She, who was beautifully fragile. She, who would crack even with the slightest pressure. She, who was cold and lost. She, who found solace in books, long walks and silence. She, who wasn't affected by parties and all that jazz. She, who thought naps and long hot showers could solve all problems in the world. She, who wanted to go to a fancy University.

She changed. For the better, or worse, she didn't know. What she did know, however, was that she felt different. She looked different, her scent, her hair, her clothes, everything was different. All the times that she thought she would never forget now seemed like another person's memory. She let herself be loved, and cared for. She let herself go. Instead of books and walk, she found peace in his words, his scent. She was changing into a different person, she didn't know if she liked it or not, but she was at peace.

She was happy. 

That.

Maybe we'll meet after 10 years, and you will be reminded of how beautiful we were together. Serene.

You will be reminded of how much you I cherished you, and your hair, among other things. I just hope you revisit your past and be reminded of all the things I think about every night before sleeping.

The times when you made me laugh so much that my stomach ached? That.
When I needed someone to vent and you were there, always? That.
When you told me it's okay to be me and love fashion, tennis and food so much? That.
When you made me believe I was beautiful? That.
When we kept going back to the boy and girl who had trouble written all over them? That.
When I was happy, in every sense of the word, all because of you? That.
When I would want to say something but used to end up saying random shit and you would totally get it? That.
The countless memories we made? Those.
When you were in a different city and broke down and chose to call me of all people and I could do nothing? That.
When you shouted at me after a bad match because you knew I didn't give enough? That.
When I wore white shoes with bright orange laces and you still didn't disown me? That.
When I told you that I want to spend all my evenings with you? That.
When you said you'd never give up on me (even after I got married to a rich dude with a Bentley)? That.
When you said you loved our curly hair? That.
Sandy? That.
When we tried to talk in funny accents and ended up falling off our chairs laughing? That.
When you became the only person I idolised, the only one who actually got me,  saw right through me? That.
When you said you'd never ever ever ever leave, but left anyway? That.

All that, and so much more. 

You are you.

Because you taught me it's okay to be me. Because you inspire me so much. Because I changed my blog's title for you. Because you taught me it's okay to wear whacky clothes. Because you taught me it's okay to have curly hair. Because you taught me it's okay to lose. Because you shouted at me when I was depressing myself over futile things. Because you also made up by singing random songs in a funny voice. Because I can't write more because I'm crying too much. Because you are special, and I miss you.
Because you are you. 

Come here.

Come here.
Caress my wounds.
Heal my wounded heart.
My sore body.
My tarnished soul.
Come here.
Save me.
Don't let the darkness engulf me.
Come here.
Keep me.
Don't replace me, it's not pretty.
Come here.
Find me.
Don't let my soul go wayward..stay with me.
Come here.
Don't lose me.
Give me directions.
Promise to be beside me.
Walk with me.
Run with me.
Sprint with me,
just always..stay with me.
Come here.
Listen to my bleeding heart.
I'm lost without you, you know it.
Come here, numb the pain.
Don't let me be caged. Set me free.
Come here....


Come here.
Save me.
Keep me.
Find me.
Don't lose me.
Walk with me.
Ignite me.
Love me.